I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
The air was thick with penises
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
If its not for food we ain't going out.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
