I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
