Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
this just has baby written all over it
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
