I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize