I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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