it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
