Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
We just shotgunned beers for America
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Randomize
