I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Randomize
