In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Randomize