So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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