you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
