dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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