Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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