I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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