We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
