every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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