then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
She announced her abortion via fbk
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
