im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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