Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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