Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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