You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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