Your face is a jimmy john
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
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