if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
