Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize