He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
