I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize