Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
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