Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
