were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Randomize
