Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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