the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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