I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
