Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
