im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
