I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
