wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
