i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
