Taylor Swift is so right about you.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
