I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
