You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Randomize
