I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
