My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Rumble strips road head = magical
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
