i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Randomize
