Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
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