My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Randomize
