That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
