Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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