My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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