I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
