Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
