please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
In other news, I just burned my penis
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Randomize
