sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
