Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
foreskin is a definite game changer
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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