I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
