Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
