woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize