tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
