two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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