Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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