Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
