Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
